Okay, so I'm going to write about a topic that's been playing my mind lately. I know I said I wasn't going to write about heavy or depressing things in this blog but I just realised, life isn't a dance on roses. I'm human. You're human. Shit happens basically. It won't be detailed, it's basically just me writing out my thoughts about 'relapsing'; trying to explain what's going on behind the walls.

 

As a few of you know, I used to suffer from severe eating disorders. Both anorexia and bulimia, at different times of my young life. I won't go in to too much detail about that. Anyway, I got better with the help of my local town's eating disorder clinic, my family and friends. It took years but I got there. And then I fled, I ran away from the town where it all started. I wanted to start fresh, which is fair enough. However I was a bit naive, I thought moving would mean leaving it ALL behind. I didn't believe everyone when the said I'll probably live with some eating disorder traits all my life. Nope, I thought. I've been declared healthy, I'm fine, I'm out of here...

But what I didn't realise was better doesn't mean cured. It doesn't mean the demons disappear forever. They follow you. They haunt you. Sometimes more than others.

 

I probably know more about a humans dietary needs, and how many calories is in that piece of food, and how much carbohydrates are in your cup of tea than anyone. After years and years of analysing every food and beverage product out there, and analysing how many calories you burn by chewing your food... I know. Without even wanting to know, I know. 

Desipte of all this, relapses happen. Ugh, I don't like the word relapse. It sounds so serious and dramatic. Let's call it rough times. During these rough times, all of your sensible thoughts are pushed down by the ED demons. You start having panic and anxiety attacks regarding the silliest of things, like what to wear. You're not you basically. It effects your social life and you feel like you're an act; you're putting up this front. I hate putting up a front. It's exhausting. Whilst you're putting up this front, your ED demons are literally throwing horrible insults your way. Over the years, I've kind of built up a pretty thick wall against these insults, but after a lot of bashing, eventually the wall comes crashing down. 

Sometimes, no, actually, all of the time, I wish I could just be normal. I wish ED demons didn't exist. I wish I could just get dressed without having a complete melt down. I wish I could just eat normally without having to worry. I wish. One day...

I know I should be really happy, and I am; I'm going to Paris AGAIN on Friday, this time for a Pretty Little Liars convention (eeek!!). Don't get me wrong, I'm over the moon about going to Paris and seeing all of my friends- we're all meeting in London and going on the Eurostar together. SO excited (totally off topic but I just reminded myself that I need to do a blogpost about my last Paris trip in September; the One Tree Hill convention!!). And this 'rough period' has nothing to do with Paris if I'm honest. It's just there. It's always just there. 

I AM really lucky and happy to be alive, but we're all human. We all go through rough times. We all have demons; past or present. 

 

Apologies, I just needed to write it all out. Get it out of my mind and off my chest. 

 

Xox